Interview with a Teenage Pedophile

My previous post was about The Teenage Pedophile. While commenting about that post with a friend, and about my wish to one day interview a teenage pedophile, he offered to do an interview. Given that I couldn't miss the opportunity I thought about some questions and the next day I did an interview with him. You'll find the result below, I hope you'll like it!

Lucas: Hi Ted, I'm very happy that you were willing to do this interview.

Ted: Hi Lucas, I'm glad to participate. I'm very excited about this! :D

Lucas: First question! Tell me a bit more about yourself. What is your age? What grade are you currently in? About your family and any interests or hobbies.

Ted: Well, I'm 17 years old and I'm currently in High School. I have four older brothers, which makes me the youngest in the family. I used to live with my mom until recently but I've moved with another relative who lives closer to my school, thus making it easier for me to come and go [to school].

My main hobby is gaming online with my friends. We also host some lan parties (a gathering of people with computers or compatible game consoles, between which they establish a local area network (LAN), primarily for the purpose of playing multiplayer video games. Source: Wikipedia) some times, instead of just gaming online.

I'm very much an introvert however, so I prefer to game by myself most of the time. That is why gaming online makes this easier.

I feel like I can't be myself and that people around me don't really know the true me.

Lucas: Since when have you been attracted to children? When did you realize you were a pedophile?

Ted: Hmm... I think I was born this way, so maybe the answer is: Since I was born?

I started feeling attracted to other people when I was 13 years old, but I didn't feel attracted to girls my own age. I've always thought that boobs made no sense to me, unlike other teenager boys my own age. Up until that moment I didn't think there was anything different about me and I pretty much didn't pay attention to those things.

All of that changed when I turned 14 years old though. It was when I started to realize, rationally I mean, that I was attracted to children. I thought it was just a phase, that it would pass as I grew older, but it never did.

When I heard about pedophilia, and pedophiles, for the first time I realized that it all applied to me and I felt horrible. There were many people [online] saying that I would end up abusing a child one day and I believed those self-fulfilling prophecies. The only thing you learn about pedophiles is what they've done, or what they will do, and it's all bad things. That kind of message makes a pedophile that has never done anything feel very self-conscious and bad about themselves.


Lucas: In your opinion which are the worst parts of life as a pedophile?

Ted: Keeping a secret. It's very depressing having to keep a secret from everyone around you and having to hide in plain sight. The main reason behind my own depression is exactly this notion, that I have to hide who I am from everyone in my life. I feel like I can't be myself and that people around me don't really know the true me.

Another thing that is tough to deal with is how society views people like me. They always assume that all pedophiles are child molesters and that simply isn't true. They make blanket statements that affect people that have never done anything wrong. I think that all that stigma and prejudice only serves to isolate pedophiles from society. It ends up generating depression, and other issues, to us; just like I suffer from depression derived from that as well.

 

It was when I started to realize, rationally I mean, that I was attracted to children. I thought it was just a phase, that it would pass as I grew older, but it never did.

 
Lucas: If you could change your sexual attraction/orientation would you?

Ted: No, I wouldn't. This is part of who I am, of how I was born. I wouldn't change that simply to comply with the rest of society. It's like a lottery ticket, and I was awarded with the pedophile ticket. I wouldn't exchange my ticket, even if it would make my life easier.

I think that what most people fail to comprehend is that I'm not only sexually attracted to children, but also emotionally and romantically attracted to them. I think those other attractions make children like to be around me, because they like people that like them. Most people think, and feel, that pedophiles should never have any contact with children whatsoever; but there are cases where that isn't true. There are good things that can come from a child interacting, in a non-sexual manner of course, with a pedophile.

I've been told before that I'm good with kids, and that they usually like me. That I more patient with them than the average person and that I'm also very caring. Those characteristics make them like me more and are things that can be used in a positive manner.

For instance, one time a boy approached me. He was very introverted, just like I am. We ended up becoming friends in the short amount of time we interacted with each other. Later on I was told that the boy never approached anyone, that he was very much an introvert and they had never seen him take the initiative to approach someone. It was very nice knowing that he felt comfortable enough to interact with me, and I'm glad that I could have helped him with that.

Lucas: How do you view yourself? What is your opinion about yourself?

Ted: I see myself as a good person, even though my low self-confidence makes me think otherwise. My low self-esteem also makes me think horrible things about myself, but most of the time I'm able to push through that.

At school they say I'm a good team worker, when doing group assignments, and I get good grades; but I feel like my teachers overrate me. My low self-esteem makes me think like I don't deserve to get such high grades.

I'm always with a big smile and I think that throws people off. Even when I'm feeling depressed I put on a smile.

Lucas: What do you think is the opinion other people have on you?

Ted: Well, they see me as someone who is always happy I guess, but that isn't true. I'm always with a big smile and I think that throws people off. Even when I'm feeling depressed I put on a smile. My parents see me as a good student, due to my grades, and a good obedient son. I always listen to them and try to comply.
 
I guess my friends like me overall. There is one friend in particular that I'm always happy to see and the reverse is also true. We spend a lot of time together while at school. I don't really think of him as my best friend because I don't really like that concept. I'm more of a loner type of person and having a best friend doesn't fit with that. I also have online friends whom I game with, but we don't talk about anything much except gaming.

I think that people in my community like me as well. For instance, my cousin, the one I'm currently living with, said to me a while back that she missed me during the couple weeks I was away traveling. I always make an effort to smile all the time and to be likable to the other people. I can usually accomplish that, even if I'm struggling with my depression and self-confidence.


Lucas: Have you ever told anyone about yourself? If so, to whom?

Ted: Nah, I haven't told anyone so far. I've never tried sharing this with anyone because I don't know how they would react to the news; or if they would be able to accept me. I think that the risks are greater than the benefits right now. My fear of being outed is too big.

Lucas:  How do you think people would think of you, or react to you, if they knew you are a pedophile?

Ted: I feel like they wouldn't think too well of me to be honest. I imagine they would think that I'm a child molester or maybe become more aggressive, or even offensive, towards me.

I really think that their opinions about me would change, from 'a good person' to 'an evil, bad person'. They would probably assume that I'm a threat to all children in my community.

Lucas: Do you plan to tell someone in your family, or some friend, about it? If so, do you have any plans for that?

Ted: Yeah, I would like to tell my mom one day. I used to think about that every day, imaging over and over how that would work out. I've even written her a letter telling all about this. If I felt like she would be accepting I think I would risk giving her the letter, but for now I just think the risks are far too great.


I think that writing a letter is easier because I'm very shy and introverted. That letter I wrote would be the one I would show her one day. Telling this through a letter is easier because I don't have to say anything as everything is already written down. The person would only have to read the letter to find out. So it would keep me from having to talk too much as I don't really like that; the letter is definitely less stressful for me.

I would like for them to say that they cared about me, and I would like to get a hug. I would like for them to ask me about this, so I could clear up any doubts they might have while also giving me a chance to explain about pedophilia.

Lucas: What type of reaction, or action, you would like to see from an adult when you finally them tell about you?

Ted: Acceptance. I would like for them to say that they cared about me, and I would like to get a hug. I would like for them to ask me about this, so I could clear up any doubts they might have while also giving me a chance to explain about pedophilia.

I wish they would ask me before simply assuming things about myself or pedophilia. More than that, I wish they could keep a secret about this. Telling them would be hard enough, as well as traumatizing, and I hope they could respect my wishes for privacy and not share about this with anyone else.

It would also be great if they didn't, automatically, send me to a therapist of psychiatrist. I really don't think that would be a good demonstration of support because I would assume they don't trust me. Even if going to a therapist would be about my depression, and low self-confidence and self-esteem, I wouldn't want to go to therapy. I don't think those professionals can help me unless I'm 100% honest about myself, and I could never tell about my pedophilia to them. I've had already one bad experience with a therapist and I don't fully trust them. My opinion is that it's very hard finding a professional equipped to dealing with pedophilia.

I don't think that I need help to deal with my attractions, even though I feel like I could use help with my depression, low self-confidence and low self-esteem which derive from my pedophilia. Like I said, I don't want to go to a therapist that isn't equipped with dealing with pedophilia; being forced to go to therapy is something I don't want to happen.

Lucas: How do you see pedophilia in general? Is there anything different in that view due to your age?

Ted: I just think it's simply another sexual orientation, similar to any other. That it shouldn't be treated differently, or in any special way, except that it's oriented towards children. I don't think that there is anything wrong with it and I can even see some positive aspects about it. Pedophilia is neutral, what the person does with it that can be good or bad. Acting on it in the sense of having sexual contact with children is wrong, but using it to be more patient and understanding towards children can be something positive.

One day I would like to see a percentage comparison of non-pedophiles that commit rapes compared to the percent of pedophiles that commit child sexual abuse. I don't think that there will be a major difference between those numbers. Of course we are talking about children being abused, which is something far worse, but I meant to say that I don't think the majority of pedophiles want to abuse children, and that most of them don't do it.

The way society treats pedophiles is in fact harmful to those same children they wish to protect, because they end up increasing the likelihood of a pedophile becoming a child abuser.

Lucas: How do you feel about the way society treats pedophiles? Does it affect you in any way?

Ted: I try not to let it affect me but it happens sometimes. For instance, when a teacher mentions in class about pedophilia but he is actually talking about child sexual abuse. That gets to me a lot because it feels like I'm being accused of being a child abuser, or that one day I will become one.

People focus too much on pedophilia and on pedophiles. That won't stop child sexual abuse because most abusers aren't even pedophiles. I feel like that this stigma ends up driving pedophiles into the shadows and makes them unable to ask for help if they feel like that is necessary.

All of that makes them feel isolated and depressed and only increases the risks of them abusing a child. The way society treats pedophiles is in fact harmful to those same children they wish to protect, because they end up increasing the likelihood of a pedophile becoming a child abuser. Not to mention they also lose focus on the reality that the majority of child abusers aren't pedophiles.

Lucas:  What are your dreams and hopes for the future? Does you pedophilia factor into them?

Ted: Oh, I don't really know to be honest, I've never thought much about my future (laughs). I want to have a career related to Computer Science, I really like that. On a personal level it's more complicated. I think that I'm an exclusive [a pedophile only attracted to children], but I'm open to trying something with an adult some day. Considering that I'm a loner I'm not sure if a relationship would work though.

Being able to tell someone, someday, would also be fantastic. I wish I could meet another pedophile in real life because that person would understand me and accept me for whom I am. 

I think that I would remember of this period of my life as being more depressive and that is good because it would mean that in 20 years I would be happier in comparison to today.

Lucas: Twenty years from now when you look back at this period of your life how do you think you will feel about it all?

Ted: I think I would be very happy for having made an effort to make pedophilia more accepted. I've already done some other interviews and also participated in scientific studies about it. I think that I would remember of this period of my life as being more depressive and that is good because it would mean that in 20 years I would be happier in comparison to today.

Lucas: What are your thoughts on the "pedophile profile", that says pedophiles are all, supposedly, middle aged males?

Ted: That profile couldn't be more wrong! It's very harmful not only to pedophiles but also to children. That is not based on fact, but based on assumptions about us.

I also can't help of thinking that it helps drive pedophiles further into the shadows, making them more prone to abusing a child given their mental health would be worse. This could make them come to a point where they will say "Screw this!" and end up doing something horrible. It also distracts authorities from the majority of child abusers, the situational offenders.


Lucas: Do you have hope that, in a couple decades, pedophilia is better understood? And that it doesn't suffer from the same stigma, or at least less so, that it does today?

Ted: Yup, I have hope that one day that will happen. Maybe not in 20 years but eventually it will happen. I think that there more and more content online saying that pedophilia isn't bad, people in social media raising awareness to the topic and involving the common folk in discussions. There are also a lot of researchers doing studies and publishing articles about it. One day that stigma will end.

Maybe the teenage pedophile doesn't want to tell their parents but would like to get help and guidance. They should be able to get that somehow.

Lucas: I'm sure that you've heard about the "Help Wanted" study being conducted at the Moore Center. What do you think about it?

Ted: I think it's great that there is a study to support teenage pedophiles. Specially around that age they are very impressionable, and could use some positive guidance and support. I just wouldn't like for that sort of help to be conditioned to the parents' awareness. Maybe the teenage pedophile doesn't want to tell their parents but would like to get help and guidance. They should be able to get that somehow.

More importantly, I think the teenage pedophile should get the choice of going to therapy, or getting help, without it being mandatory. There should be a program available for them when they needed it, not something forced upon them.

Lucas: Being more aware of your own pedophilia today, than most teens were 20 years ago, how would you feel if you had a pedophile son or daughter? How would you handle that?

Ted: Well.... (takes a deep breath and thinks for a while). Of course I would like for them to know they could come to me about anything, including this. That being like that isn't wrong and they shouldn't beat themselves over it.


I would like for them to know that it was all okay and that everything would work out. I hope they could trust me enough to talk about their struggles with it and ask any questions they wanted. I would advise them about how important it is to be careful when choosing whom they out themselves to. That they should give it a careful thought and if they chose to do it that I could assist them into doing that.

It would also be important to teach them about their sexual attractions, about how it is wrong to act on them and why it is wrong. That despite all society tells them they are not destined to abuse a child.
I would guide them into seeking help online, because at that age they are very impressionable and I wouldn't want them to end up on a pro-contact [pedophiles who believe child-adult sex is okay] board. That they don't have to adopt any kind of philosophy about pedophilia just to feel accepted somewhere.